Aging Superhero Pulls Herself Up By Bra Straps To Become An Event Entertainer

Warrior princess emeritus. Gallant grande dame. Has-been superhero. Retired Wonder Woman has been called all of these things but largely doesn’t know it thanks to hearing loss suffered over a lifetime of dodging bullets and the ear-piercing screams of panic-stricken citizens. Still, she soldiers on, always vigilant and ready to battle injustice, save innocent lives and take advantage of early-bird senior discounts.

Born into royalty on an island of fierce, independent women as equally renowned for their superhuman powers as their freakishly synchronous menses, Retired Wonder Woman spent her youth dreaming of becoming a TV star. But alas, when it came time to cast the lead role in a series about her life, the job went to mammarily-gifted beauty queen Lynda Carter.

One dozen rehab stints and 5,632 bingo games later, Retired Wonder Woman is making a comeback. Decked out in superhero red, white and blue—in addition to fuzzy slippers, sagging bustline and Golden Catheter of Truth—she is once again ready to save the world, pose for pictures and generally totter about exhibiting early signs of dementia. For money, of course.

Founding member of the Teen Titans and current member of the Justice League of America, AARP and (for reasons known only to herself) the Hair Club for Men, Retired Wonder Woman’s hobbies include mispronouncing people’s names and watching old episodes of Dallas.

Played by an award-winning former network news reporter, teacher and US Navy veteran, Retired Wonder Woman captured first place in the 2014 Rose City (Portland) Comic Con cosplay contest and has been featured in dozens of newspapers, magazines, websites, blogs, podcasts and viral photos. She has appeared live at the Hollywood Walk of Fame, San Francisco’s Castro Street and at comic book conventions from coast to coast.

In 2014, Retired Wonder Woman personally made Lynda Carter do a spit-take.

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