Fake Sports That Should Be Real


Among its many weird visions of the future, Futurama brought us Blernsball, which is what happens to baseball when everyone decides America’s greatest pastime is too boring.

Blernsball shares many similarities with baseball, like pitchers throwing a ball that batters must hit. However, there are some key differences: the ball is tethered to the field, though it’s not uncommon for powerful hits to sever the ball from its tether. In fact, it’s so common, there’s a special slot in the billboard that, if a ball breaks its tether and flies into the slot, allows the hitting team an automatic victory. There are also some impressively insane special rules, such as too many balls landing in a particular hole in the middle of the field triggering a “multiball” effect, in which dozens of balls are shot onto the field.

It’s just such a delightfully unpredictable game—effects like multiball, and the subsequent effect in which a batter gets a badass motorcycle, mean games would be chaotic in the best possible way. There are other outsize features, like giant spiders near the bullpen and players launching balls into orbit around the planet. What’s more, Blernsball takes performance-enhancing drugs in a completely different direction, mandating that all players use them. This insures all humans, aliens, and robots are performing at absolutely peak condition. Some would say that’s ethically very gray, but it would make for one hell of a spectacle for those in the stands.

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